If Only
by ElfJet
Summary: My Stories redone, beta and all, and gathered as chapters rather than separate installments. The point a view changes from chapter to chapter, but the plotline is the same and will eventually be Miranda/Andrea. nope they are not mine.
1. If Only

She slowly ran a hand up a slender thigh while her other hand buried itself deeper in her lovers white hair, her caresses making the other woman moan into their kiss.

God...She really loved the sounds the older woman was making. Actually if she had to be totally honest she was just good old plain in love with the white haired woman currently in her arms. Samantha knew it was a bad idea to admit to those feelings, even if it was only in her own mind. She knew that Miranda Priestly didn't do feelings, at least not with her she didn't. And what they were doing now definitely had nothing to do with feelings.

Samantha wasn't naive and she had the scheme of it all figured out pretty quickly. She was a substitute for someone else. Who that was was still a mystery, and as long as she didn't know she could pretend that it really was her Miranda was fucking six days from Sunday against a bathroom wall.

When Samantha came she moaned Miranda's name. It took a couple of seconds for her to recover, but as she was once again able to think clearly she wasted no time in turning them around so she had Miranda pinned against the wall. Looking into the crystal clear blue eyes of the woman before her she could see the frustration of not being satisfied yet. Sinking to her knees she grabbed the hem of Miranda's dress and pushed it up past her hips.

Knowing that they didn't have time slow and thorough, not that they ever did, she dove in. Miranda was sopping wet and Samantha had no problem inserting two fingers into Miranda. Setting a steady pace it didn't take long for Samantha to have Miranda panting under her touch. Miranda's hands were clenched firmly in her hair. Deciding she had held off long enough Samantha sucked down hard on Miranda's clit.

The older woman was never very loud when she came and tonight was no exception. However, over the slight pain of having her hair pulled she heard the name on Miranda's lips and in that moment she couldn't pretend anymore. She knew this was going to be the last time her and Miranda would be doing this. For that reason she wanted to make this time different than the others.

As Samantha got to her feet she felt a sadness settle in her soul, the knowledge that she hadn't been enough was like a punch to the stomach driving a small sob from her lips. Miranda hadn't recovered fully from the orgasm that Samantha had provided and didn't have the coordination to dodge the kiss Samantha placed on her lips. In all the weeks this had been going on they had never kissed, not once, it would have made it too intermit made it seem like there were actual feelings involved and that would have been a lie, at least at first. But this last time Samantha needed to feel the texture of Miranda's lips just once.

When the kiss ended Samantha opened her eyes to focus on the face in front of her. The stunned expression would have been funny if not for the fact that Miranda had been totally unresponsive in the kiss and that the expression only stayed stunned for a split second before it morphed to a displeased frown. There really was no going back now, it really was a goodbye and now they both knew it. Samantha closed her eyes and turned away from the person she had come to care to much for. She began to walk away from the woman who had stolen her heart but who would never return the gesture. As she tried to calm her thoughts the name Miranda had moaned as she came kept repeating in her head.

Miranda's voice had caressed the name in a way her hands had never touched Samantha if only it had been Samantha's name that had crossed the older woman's lips Samantha would have been able to keep on pretending. Instead her last memory of Miranda's voice would be a breathy utterance of _Ahhhn...drea._

_End. _


	2. Worst Day Ever

God damn it all to a place where the sun don't shine. The whole day had sucked and it didn't seem like it was looking up either. Andy was really beginning to believe that karma could, and would come back to bite you in the ass. Of caurse it would lull you into a false sense of security, and then when you were least expecting it...SNAP—and there it was, happily munching on your now very sore ass. The worst thing about it all was that you knew you probably deserved all of it or so Andy was convinced.

The day had started with Andy being late for work because her alarm-clock hadn't gone off, making her scramble franticly to the shower and in her haste getting shampoo in her eyes. Then as she finally arrived at the New York Mirror her editor informed her that Susan had called in sick and the piece she had been working on was now Andy's responsibility on top of her own two articles with deadlines the following day. _Great, just great...do I look like a machine? W_as what Andy really wanted to ask but instead just nodded her head and went to work and that was when her computer crashed. Thank god for backups.

As 11am came around Andy had a migraine and wondered, not for the first time why she had even bothered getting out of bed that morning. Thinking that she could at least re-caffeinate her system she got up from her small desk and walked towards the coffee pot. On her way there she tripped twice and then proceeded to burn her hand when she accidently spilt the coffee. After that Andy decided to just stay put at her work station and try not to curse the whole day to hell.

2 o'clock came and went and Andy foolishly thought everything was looking up. But as 3pm drew closer her editor decided to crush her optimism by informing her that she was to cover the MET event that evening and that she should take a photographer. Just like that Andy's quiet evening at home was snatched away and to make it worse she had to find something acceptable to wear. Luckily enough she still had plenty of clothes from her tenure at Runway. They were all very much last year but she really didn't have a choice now, did she. At five she was sent home with instructions to meet Sean at the MET at 9pm. He would bring the tickets.

As luck would have it she found an acceptable dress fairly quickly and decided that karma really didn't hate her as much as she thought and went about getting ready. Little did she know how the evening would end! It wasn't until she was on her way there that she remembered the last time she was at one of these events.

The entire evening she was trailing behind Miranda enveloped in her perfume and had had a great view of her boss's figure, not that she knew why she was looking. No, that revelation had come much later after she got on the plane in Paris and it had been too late. Of course the notion of telling Miranda Priestly that you had the hots for her was probably very bad for your general health and your career.

That had been a year ago and still Andy hadn't got rid of her feelings for world's leading fashion icon or the woman Andy knew was hidden under that persona. Andy was just coming out of the memory when she suddenly realised that there was a big chance of Miranda being there that night and she had no idea what she would say to Miranda if they should run into each other. Well she'd just have to cross that bridge when she came to it.

As it was she had just spotted Sean waiting by the foot of the stairs wearing...oh god were those Converses, Jesus what was he thinking? At least he had on a tux but come on those shoes were a sin to fashion. Deciding it was too late to do anything about her companions' choice of footwear she plastered on a smile and joined Sean.

Everything was going according to plan, it was the same elite people as always. Sean got a couple of good shots of the rich and famous and Andy got the quotes her editor wanted and finally she could go home and end this god forsaken day. That's when Andy realised she was going to burn in hell for leaving Miranda in Paris. A group of immaculate dressed people parted and there she was... Miranda... And she was a vision.

She had on a staples dark blue Valentino and her white hair was a beacon. Andy let her eyes trail from the top of Miranda's head admiring how a lock of hair fell over the brilliantly ice blue eyes, going lower to the slope of the woman creamy neck and shoulders and on to the gentle curve of her breasts and hips. Oh, she had to get out of there and fast.

Sean had left five minutes ago offering to share a cab, but Andy didn't really like him all that much and Sean seem to be a little too interested in her for her to be comfortable around him. So she had sent him home and right now she was ecstatic that he was not here to see her fall apart because of her former boss.

Andy turned away but couldn't leave without a last look. Looking over her shoulder she was startled to meet and lock eyes with Miranda and her heart broke. Miranda looked shocked to see her and Andy couldn't blame her, the only other time they had seen each other was hat day in front of Elias - Clark and Miranda hadn't even acknowledge her then. Andy could only imagine what the older woman was thinking right now and she really needed to get away right now so she turned her head and walked blindly until she reached the street outside.

This really had been the worst day ever.


	3. Not Her

The night had gone reasonably well. Everything was set up and executed according to her instructions and for once there really wasn't anything that should displease her. All these things she knew to be true but still she felt unsettled and had felt that way for awhile now.

At first she had thought it was her impending divorce and the loss of another father figure for her girls that was the cause. But as the process drew near and the twins never indicated that they missed Stephen she knew that the cause for her unhappiness would have to be found somewhere else. For one thing was certain, Miranda Priestly, as unlikely as it may seem, was unhappy and was hell bent in finding a remedy.

It was not a known fact, but Miranda was very rarely unhappy, though she was easily annoyed, irritated or displeased and had no reservations in expressing her explicit opinion to the lackeys surrounding her. She, Miranda, was at her core generally very content and wanted to attain that state again.

At one point she actually thought she had found... well something... that was enough of a distraction if not the solution. Oh, she had no illusions that this affair she had embarked on was ill-advised, she knew that perfectly well. But the woman in question scratched an unknown itch and did it remarkably well.

Now the fact that she was attracted to the woman in the first place was somewhat of a shock but as it seemed mutual she had not bothered to analyse just why she found the brunette so attractive. And Samantha really was quite beautiful, long brown hair slim waist (though she was heavier than the models and clackers at _Runway_) big expressive green eyes and very full very talented lips.

Yes she was beautiful but, Miranda feared, too attached to the idea of them together. Not that the younger woman had said anything, no in fact Samantha had been very careful in not to trying to define just what it was they were doing, but her eyes had betrayed her. Even though the younger woman's feelings were independent on her own she would have to keep an eye on their development just to make sure that she would be able to extract herself before Samantha began demanding affections Miranda wasn't sure she still possessed.

Well, at any rate she had spent far too long on this subject this evening as it was, she should really begin paying attention to the people around her. The point of the whole thing anyway was that even though Samantha was a very lovely girl there was definitely something missing but what that was eluded her and until it became clear she would pretend not to notice Samantha's eyes pleading for her to return the feeling she so openly displayed in them and continue to reap the benefits the attention of a young woman could bestow. She just wasn't sure for how long, and of course Samantha had to be attending this little gathering.

Miranda returned to the present conversation just as the speaker finished what was supposed to be a witty tale intending to charm her; but as was often the case she found it extremely boring; but let a controlled laugh out anyway no need to offend the ambassador.

She extracted herself from the little group that had gathered and turned to Emily informing her to contact Roy and have him outside at 11pm and not a minute later giving her an hour to conclude her mingling. She was more than ready to call it a night; maybe if she was lucky her girls wouldn't be asleep when she got home giving her an opportunity to say good night to them.

But her plans were very quickly changed. As she turned away from Emily and towards the door her heart stops. There, walking away from her once more, was Andrea. Why was she here? And why had Miranda not known? These were just some of the things Miranda asks herself, but suddenly it all fell away as Andrea turned her head and their eyes locked with each other.

It only a moment but more than enough to awaken in Miranda what she thought lost forever. She now knew what has been missing, what the unintelligible feeling of loss and most importantly what the whole affair with Samantha was about. And then she was gone, she had walked out the door and away from Miranda like that time in Paris. Miranda quickly schooled her features back to the facade everyone knew and expected of Miranda Priestly the Ice Queen.

But on the inside she was in turmoil across the room she saw Samantha and as though she could sense Miranda looking at her she turns and a message is understood by both. Miranda will not be saying good night to her daughters tonight.

They met in one of the lavish bathrooms and after locking the door Miranda didn't waste any time in pining Samantha against the wall. She consequently closed her eyes, thinking of deep brown eyes and soft lips and as Miranda got lost in her fantasy. She felt a hand move up her thigh and one in her hair, thinking back she realised that without her knowledge the picture now floating in her mind had always been in her subconscious when she and Samantha had been. Well, to be coarse fucking like rabbits every chance they got.

Right now she had her fingers buried deep in Samantha and the girl was squirming against the wall until she moaned Miranda's name in release.

_God...why was the girl moving at a glacial pace? _Miranda thought. Roy would be her in less than twenty minutes and Samantha hadn't even begun yet.

Suddenly Miranda found herself turned so her back was against the wall, and for a brief moment ice blue eyes locked with green. Miranda trying to convey her impatience just as Samantha lowers to her knees.

Lost in the fantasy again she grabbed long brown locks of hair and between the steady pace Samantha's fingers was building it only took a brief touch of the younger woman's mouth for Miranda to fall over the edge. Miranda was never vocal when she came, a fact both her husband's had reproached her for complaining they didn't feel like they got enough feedback from their hard work.

Really she found that she had been merciful for not pointing out in detail their very unsatisfactory performance. But tonight caught up in thoughts of Andréa and the much needed orgasm she couldn't help but utter her heart's desire just this once and as soon as the word left her lips she knew she had made an irreparable mistake.

Samantha kissed her and Miranda could feel her desperation but was too stunned to do anything about it. When the young woman was done she once again looked at Miranda hopeful eyes searching her face and Miranda felt irritated by it. How dare she expect anything from Miranda? Even as young as Samantha was she knew what she was getting into when they started this affair.

After a second the young woman turned and walked away. Away from what had happened tonight and away from Miranda.

Miranda only had one question: what was she going to do about her feeling for an ungrateful, snivelling, fat, smart girl half her age? Only one problem, she really had no idea....yet.


	4. What To Do?

When she came home she had no recollection of how she had gotten there. Why had she turned to get a last look at Miranda? Sure, the other woman had been a vision but really, she had only set herself up for punishment and had received it by the look in those ice blue eyes.

Maybe, she reasoned, she had turned to be absolutely certain that her feelings for the older woman hadn't faded or vanished. All hope of that ever happening had evaporated as soon as her eyes had caught and held that glacial stare across the room. The intensity behind the stare had contributed to her heartbreak and the following escape to her apartment.

And her she was, sitting on her couch crying her eyes out because her heart belonged to a woman who didn't want it and Andy had no idea how to handle that. She needed someone to talk to but even after a year her relationship with Lilly was still strained, and though things where better with Doug, she had a feeling that the topic of Miranda was still a sore one. The realization brought more tears to her eyes, she was falling apart and had no one to comfort her.

It went without saying that her parents were out, even they blamed Andy, and Miranda, for her breakup with Nate. They hadn't said anything, but the implications had been there when Andy made her weekly calls following Nate moving to Boston. And no one knew of her feelings for her former boss, that little titbit of insanity she had kept all to herself, luckily.

Andy had no idea how long she sat there, but she had work in the morning and should probably go to bed, though she had a feeling that sleep wouldn't come easy or be restful. As she got ready for bed she thought back to the moment of eye contact she and Miranda had shared. The look on the older woman's face had been pure shock…well to anyone who didn't know Miranda as well as Andy wouldn't have noticed anything out of the ordinary. But at one point Andy's livelihood had been to know and anticipate Miranda's wishes and moods from not only her tone of voice but also her facial expressions.

Well, not that Andy thought she could nail all of the editors expressions but she knew shock and Andy's presence at the event had defiantly shocked Miranda. As Andy had fled as quickly as possible, she could only speculate on what Miranda had thought when she had spotted Andy, but Andrea was convinced that they probably hadn't been happy thoughts. Maybe something along the lines of how Andy had the audacity to show her face anywhere near the older woman or anything associated with her.

Now in bed, Andy found herself tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position. Why did she let Miranda get under her skin? Why couldn't she just forget about the woman and get on with her life? Unfortunately she knew the answer, she'd answered that earlier in the evening and it wasn't going away any time soon.

Andy just hoped that this god forsaken day would come to an end. But that hope seemed dwindling as every time she closed her eyes, ice blue ones stared right back at her. Oh god, this was just not working. First she couldn't eat for fear of what Miranda would do to her for leaving in Paris, then when nothing happened and she actually got hired because of that recommendation she really didn't know what to think anymore.

Now, after seeing Miranda and actually being in the same room as the older woman, the walls she had tried to build around her feelings for the editor trembled and fell as if they where dust.

As the sky outside her window began to lighten she decided that there were only two choices before her. Either, she would go on as she had been for the last year, although that, didn't seem like a viable option, or she could be proactive and try to get some form of closure with Miranda.

Mind set on a course of action she finally fell asleep but only for a couple of hours, after that she woke up to a brand new day. One in which she hopefully would get rid of the heavy feeling around her heart. This, she could feel, was a day of opportunities.


	5. Decisions

As Miranda woke up she could feel that the day would not be a good one. The night before had been disastrous; well it had started perfectly fine, but the end had been filled to the brim with unpleasant revelations. And they were all linked to one brown haired former employee.

For God's sake, she was old enough to be the girl's mother; it was unseemly for her to even entertain the thought, and then of course, she held a position where any kind a affiliation with Andrea would be difficult at best, as for the worst, Miranda really didn't want to think of it.

Still she couldn't deny that just the thought of the younger woman sent her heart racing. No, she mustn't give this any consideration because really, what could she possibly have to offer Andrea?

Yes, Miranda was well aware that, on the surface she seemed like a catch, but she also had a withering reputation of not being approachable, an image she had worked hard to obtain and she wasn't about to throw away decades of painstakingly attained image and control for a girl half her age who, for all intents and purposes couldn't even stand the sight of her.

No, she would regain control and move on. She would absolutely _not_ think about how Andrea looked in that slightly outdated Versace dress, or how her beautiful, long, silky brown hair had cascaded down her back, or how the younger woman's eye's had seemed so choked and lost in the brief moment they had looked eye's. No absolutely not.

How could she have been so careless, had her two previous marriages taught her nothing? Logically Miranda knew all this was a futile exercise but her heart was another matter. At that thought Miranda had to laugh, if the world were to discover that she had a passionate heart, they would probably interpret it as one of the signs of the apocalypse.

As things were, a shower before she had to go to the park with the twins was sounding very appealing right about now. Standing under the hot water, letting it relax tense muscles, her thought again reverted back to the vision Andrea had been the night before.

God the girl was exquisite, Miranda had once called her the fat smart girl, but now all Miranda could recall was endless plains of pale skin and soulful brown eye's that had branded her at the benefit. Well, it seemed like her mind was going to go rough on her as well, so much for being able to trust logic to help her get out of this mess.

Stepping out of the shower stall she decided that if neither her heart nor her mind was willing to let the young woman go then some kind of resolution had to be reached, but not now, now she was going to dress and then spend her Saturday with her two precious daughters.

After dressing and applying her make-up she descended the stairs and entered the kitchen were the twins were eating their breakfast while waiting for her. They both looked up briefly as she entered the kitchen, but quickly turned their attention back to the food with an enhanced vigor.

Miranda knew they had been looking forward to this for days and to be truthful so had Miranda. Her precious girls were the one thing in her life that seemed a constant, Irv could try taking Runway from her, her husbands could leave, but her two darling girls were the one thing she knew she would never regret.

Sipping the last of her coffee Miranda ushered the girls out to get their coats and they were off to the park.

***

The outing had been enjoyable even though she had spent most of it on a bench watching Caroline and Cassidy run around the park.

It had been a joy, for once being there when her children were happy, and full of energy, so much so that after a couple of hours of running and jumping both girls were exhausted and that showed on their drive back to the house, both girls had been very quiet but for once the silence hadn't been uncomfortable or strained, as it had been on so many other occasions. No, it had been cordial without silent accusations or anger, a change Miranda hoped she was able to keep.

Now they were back and the twins had had their lunch and then disappeared up to their rooms which left Miranda to get some work done. However the will to get anything done eluded her, and her thoughts kept returning to Andrea.

She really had a decision to make: how was she going to get rid of her feelings for Andrea, and was that really what she wanted?

She knew it would be for the best if she just forgot all about what she called her greatest disappointment, but it seemed that her mind was determined to disobey, not only by not forgetting but by conjuring images of Andrea and how she had looked last night.

Sitting alone in her study, Miranda could admit that seeing Andrea flee from her once again had hurt more than it should have. But as it seemed that her heart was in on the mutiny designed to overthrow her better judgment, what she really needed at this point was a plan on how best to approach the girl.

That, however, was easier said than done as it had been very clear that it had been Miranda's presence at the party that had sent the girl flying out the door. But somehow Miranda would get the young woman to at least listen to what she had to say, whether the journalist liked it or not.

Decision made she was then able to get at working on The Book, all the while a small smile playing at the corner of her mouth. She had no doubt that she would get an opportunity to speak with Andrea one on one, after all there were perks of being the ruling Queen of fashion and she was not above using that power to her advantage. But then it hit her, what was it exactly she wanted from the girl, and what was she willing to settle for?

Well certainly her feeling were not platonic and she didn't think she would be able to handle if the other woman only would accept friendship from her, that much she did know. The rest well she'd just have to see where things went, even if she loathed doing so.

Now almost done with work for the day, she had promised her girls that they would have dinner and then watch a movie of each of the twins' choice in the entertainment room. And she would do just that, but come tomorrow she would be planning how to approach Andrea, the thought sent a pleasant shiver through her body. Oddly enough she was looking forward to the thrill of the chase.

Decision made she closed The Book and went in search of her girls.

TBC


End file.
